Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Strange feelings..

I'm not the possessive sort - or at least that's what I thought. I mean like, she was in US for 3 months, and I didn't worry at all.

So now she's going to HK with her friends and stuff and invited me to join in for the second half when her family's going. I can't go, can't get away from work. Who said civil servant's life was easy?

Okay, can't go, should be cool right? But I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Is it because I can't go? Or is it that even if I could go, I have an ominous feeling about the trip, that I should not go? Or is it because she'll be there hanging with a bunch of cute guys for a week or so, and deep down I'm insecure and unsure?

Gosh, I'm so insecure. I always thought that relationships needed both trust and insecurity. Trust, so that blind jealousy and careless miscommunications don't take on their own life and sink the relationship. But insecurity as well, because as long as you don't take the other for granted, you're on your toes, doing a little more for the person and just generally playing nice. But more importantly, because no matter how secure you are in his or her love, you never know when something could take it all away - so insecurity means that you're able to survive and live on.

So I worry. But I wonder why I worry, and I worry that I don't know why I worry, and I worry that I'm wondering why I'm worrying, and so on. A sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I don't think I'm jealous though - maybe 99% sure it's not jealousy. The other 1% is just tragic Zim, the part of me that always imagines the worst possible outcome and then plans for how to survive it.

Argh - gotta get out of this mode.

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